Fun with Craigslist: Women vs. Men Edition

Craigslist  Some tips on dating and dealing with women, from the poor man's John Gray: 

Some rants and accumulated experience about women. Men in happy marriages or stable relationships don't need to read this; neither do men who get laid every week (or even every month). The "truth" I'm putting out here is for all of those men who, like me, worship women and can't figure out why they keep getting screwed over and dumped. The myths are things that I used to believe before I wised up.

Translation: I was compelled to document my thoughts on this topic because I've gone through most of my life being unlucky in love, and I personally think that the dating game is a scam.  I did all the things that I was supposed to do, I even read a bunch of books, took advice from friends, went on blind dates, etc., etc., but none of that crap ever really worked for me.  Now that I'm older, I realize now that it's easier to bag chicks because a lot of the ones who are 35-ish are so desperate to get married, that they'll even date guys like me.

MYTH: Women want love and affection. Women want to be treated well. If you treat a woman well, she'll treat you well.

TRUTH: Young women want whatever other young women want. They're herd creatures. If you lavish a woman with love and affection she'll think you're doing it because nobody else wants you (which may be true) and she'll dump you. In fact, if you do anything that betrays that you're a loser that other women won't touch, she'll dump you. Why? Because she wants to impress her friends with what a great catch she's made, and if she thinks that they wouldn't want you, then she doesn't want you either.

There are only three exceptions to this rule.  

    • Psychos (also known as witches/bitches/crazy ladies): they'll stay with you because nobody else wants them, or you're the only one who'll put up with their abuse
    • Women who like to "fix men up": they like to take "broken men and turn them into the man they want
    • The one you marry: the woman who isn't a psycho, still wants to stay with you when she finds out you're not a super stud, and doesn't want to change you into someone else 

Translation: I have no luck getting hot young chicks, so I gave up trying to date them, and I moved on to the older women who don't care about who they date, because they're not as picky.

BITTER MYTH: Women are out for money.

TRUTH: Women are out for status and fun or for security, depending upon their age. A few women are out for cold cash, but not too many. Status-seeking women aren't ready to settle down. They just wanna have fun, and they want their girlfriends to know it. They're looking for a guy they can dangle in front of their friends and say, "Look what I got!" You don't have to have money to be that guy, you just have to come across as desirable… Young women want bad boys who will show them a good time. When they're ready to get married they want some guy who is going to be able to pay to keep them comfortable.  

Translation: Most women these days make more money than a lot of guys, so they can be discriminating when it comes to picking a mate.  And a whole lot of women chose to discriminate against me, and showed preferential treatment towards guys who were lawyers, doctors, highly paid athletes, etc.

MYTH: Women are out for looks.

TRUTH: See above. Women are out for looks, after a fashion. A guy in good physical shape who wears decent-looking clothes is attractive because he looks after himself and probably isn't a wimp or a whiner. She can convince her friends that he's a "catch." A guy who looks and smells like a laundry bin, or who can't climb a few flights of stairs without a rest had better have some spectacular attribute to show off to her friends (like being a genius) or he's not worth her time. Any guy can compensate for lack of looks or lack of money with showmanship. He doesn't have to be a catch, just seem like one. All he has to do is make her friends think, "Damn, I wish I were going out with him instead of the loser I'm with."

Translation: Women aren't really out for looks… as long as you're not disfigured, you can have some measure of luck.  Just look at Jack Osbourne, Sean Lennon, Benicio del Toro, and Flavor Flav…  they prove that women don't really care about looks– a woman is typically willing to ignore the fact that her guy may be ugly, until its time to have kids.  And even then, as long as the guy has enough money, his looks still won't matter.  Keith Richards is a good example of this. 

MYTH: I should find one woman I like who likes me, and stick with her through thick and thin.

TRUTH: This is the biggest mistake I ever made. I used to be loyal to whomever I was with, even when someone better came along. All that happened was that I missed out on some great opportunities while I hung on with losers that ended up dumping me anyway. Do this if the two of you are getting married; once you've tied the knot it's a whole other can of worms. However, if you're just dating, do exactly the opposite. In very subtle ways you have to let her know that although you like her, there are lots of other women out there and you still notice them. Glance at tits and legs. Smile at and chat with pretty ladies, even while she's with you (you're just being friendly, of course). This is the most important thing I've learned about dating in a decade. I even thought of dating WASP bitches again, so long as I could keep this in mind. Never, never let her know that she's the only game in town. As soon as she believes that she's your "everything," she'll start whining and bitching and making demands.

Translation: Everytime I have let a woman know that she was the only person who had been willing to give me the time of day, she has unceremoniously dumped me, because dating a loser makes a woman feel like she's an even bigger loser than you are. 

MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means being able to tell someone my problems.

TRUTH: Nobody gives a shit about your problems. Nobody ever will. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the reality of being a man…  Let's face it: many women spend all day whining to their friends about how awful their lives are and listening to their neurotic friends responding in kind. The last thing they want to do is go out with you and hear more of the same. To make matters worse, women simply don't "get" many of men's problems. Women have problems with things that don't even bother us, but they expect us to be understanding or at least tolerant; we have problems with things that don't even bother them, and no amount of explaining will cause the light to go on or elicit any sympathy.

Translation: Women spend so much time trying to figure out if you're cheating on them, if you've ever cheated on them, or if you're going to cheat on them, that they don't have any time left over to listen to any of your problems.  This is why men cheat; not because they want more sex, but because they are looking for someone to tell their problems to.

MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means someone will finally understand me.  

TRUTH: Understanding—true understanding—takes decades. If you spend most of your time with the love of your life trying to explain yourself, she will have nothing but contempt for you, for two reasons. First, because she doesn't want to hear your whining (see above). Second, and more important, women want to maintain the self-delusion that they already understand men. Women everywhere claim that they understand men and that "men are simple creatures."

Translation: No one will ever understand you; no one.  And when you finally get to the point where you understand yourself, you'll probably be so old that it won't make any difference anyway. 

MYTH: If only I could meet the right woman, my life would have meaning.

TRUTH: If your life doesn't have meaning right now, when you're single, then a relationship isn't going to help.

Translation: If you're a loser before you meet Ms. Right, you'll still be a loser after you meet her, and especially after she dumps you. 

MYTH: If I treat a woman well and listen to what she says, she'll stop complaining

TRUTH: Women never stop complaining. For them, it's a sport. Some complain more than others, but none of them will ever stop, any more than one day men will stop discussing football. Men have built civilizations, created law, invented husbandry (that's keeping domestic animals by the way, not marriage; women invented marriage), built skyscrapers, invented cars, washing machines, antibiotics, toilets, computers, and microwave ovens, and generally dragged us out of caves and into condos. Don't kid yourself: men did it all. If it were up to women we'd still be living in caves and dying at 20. I know that men did it all because I know why they did it: they hoped that it would stop women complaining. It didn't.

Translation: Women don't appreciate all of the special things that guys do, they never will.  Want to invite her to your place to watch the game, and have a few beers?  Don't bother, because she won't understand the gesture, let alone appreciate it. 

MYTH: Men don't listen to women because men don't care about women.

TRUTH: Men ignore women because women normally have nothing worthwhile to say. This is not a condemnation of women, but rather a difference in what talking is for…  Men mull things over, organize things in their heads, then speak… Men talk to communicate ideas, negotiate compromises, and secure cooperation… Women talk to organize their thoughts… Women want men to listen to them. Women want men to follow along as they scribble all over the page, not just wait for the answer.

Translation: Why listen to women, when all they say usually amounts to a roundabout way of saying, "I don't want to have sex with you"? 

MYTH: She said she loves me. She must think I'm really special. TRUTH: When women say, "I love you" it can mean almost anything.

  • "I want to spend the rest of my life with you"
  • "I'm desperate to get married and have babies and you're the best thing I've come across so far"
  • "You're better than the last jerk I went out with"
  • "You're the best guy I've come across this week"
  •  "All my girlfriends are in love and I want to be too"
  • "I have a million problems and I want you to feel obliged to listen to them"
  • "I want another date and I want you to feel like you have to ask me out again"
  • "It's time I put my foot down and started controlling you"
  • …and any number of other things

OK, most women think they mean it when they say, "I love you." However, remember the old saying, "It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind"? She loves you this minute. Maybe today. Maybe this week. Maybe even this month. However, this says nothing about how she will feel next month, next week, or tomorrow.

Translation:  The only time that I've had a woman say "I love you" to me was either when she was drunk… oh, there was one time when a woman said that when she wasn't drunk, but she was talking to her mom on the phone, so I guess that doesn't count, since she wasn't actually saying it to me.

MYTH: Women understand relationships; men don't.

TRUTH: This myth is perpetuated by women, pussy-whipped men, and psychiatrists. If women truly understood relationships… that is, if they understood relationships with men… then we wouldn't have a 45% divorce rate… Women spend more time analyzing relationships; they talk about them incessantly, and in doing so discover more truths than men know. However, all of this talk in a vacuum also means that their heads are filled with more bullshit and myth than are men's. The combination of superior insight and copious nonsense puts them right back where we are. Men tend to see what's going on in a relationship more clearly, but have no idea how to express what they see or what to do about it. Women would probably know what to do about it if they could only see it as it truly is, instead of through a fog of preconception. The other big difference between the sexes is that women are absolutely certain that they know what is going on, whereas men make no such claim. The last man who claimed to have his own radical theories about relationships was Freud, and nobody pays any attention to him any more.

Translation: Women actually do understand relationships, because they are the ones who really control them.  The only reason they really complain is because men don't fall into place like they're supposed to.  Women take care of all of the headache inducing stuff, in return for giving men sex from time to time; this is how relationships work.  And every now and then, a man has to buy his woman something expensive… Have you ever noticed, whenever a woman complains, it's usually when this equilibrium has been offset, and either she's putting in too much time taking care of all the headaches, and her man is asking for too much sex?  She evens the score by claiming that she has a headache, but in reality, she ends up giving the man a headache, too, with all of her complaining.

MYTH: Women are fairer and more even-handed than men

TRUTH: Nothing could be further from the truth. Traditionally men have favoured the same rules for everyone: "He who lives by the sword dies by the sword." Women on the other hand make up the rules as they go along. Although women's approach is patently unfair, it was valuable when they had to be the ones to point out that the rules needed to be changed, or that the rules should be bent in some cases. Back then they did this for the good of everyone. These days men still feel bound by rules, but women are in a conflict of interest. They still keep watch over the rules and break them as they always have, but now they modify and break the rules in their own favour. Men's justice is often harsh, but it's fair. Women's justice is arbitrary and these days often self-serving. 

Translation: Women just put more time and thought into relationship issues.  Men just like to ignore problems and would rather break up than to spend endless hours getting all touchy-feely and psychoanalytical. 

MYTH: Women do a lot for the relationship; men do a lot for themselves

TRUTH: My ex-girlfriend invented a little ditty that made her puff up with smug, self-satisfied pride. It went like this, "Women think of 'we'; men think of 'me'." …Women think of their own needs most of the time, too. The difference is that women redefine their own needs as being those of "the relationship". For example, when a man needs to talk to his belle about something, he says, "I need to talk to you." When a woman needs to talk to her beau about something, she says, "We need to talk." Notice the difference? Suddenly what she needs becomes what we need. Women do this all the time, and then pout and whine that they work so hard at the relationship and you don't. In fact they're just playing with words. The other truth is that there are two relationships: the one you're really in—the one that exists between you and her—and the one in her head. Remember how women are always talking and theorizing about "relationships"? Well, much of what she defines as "our relationship" is really just a collection of theories and prejudices from past conversations with her girlfriends, and has nothing to do with what's going on between the two of you. In that sense, even if she is doing more for "the relationship," it isn't necessarily anything that concerns her real relationship with you.    

Translation:  Women do do a lot for the relationship; women do a lot for men.  Most men think that eating with utensils and wearing clean clothing is something you do when you have visitors, while women (fancy beings that they are– why do you think they spend so much time putting on makeup?) think that these things are to be done all the time. 

MYTH: Women are more involved in the relationship; men are more aloof.

TRUTH: Finally one that's true. The false part is the assumption that being deeply involved in the relationship is always a good thing, and that aloofness is fatal to relationships. If you doubt this, look around you and find a couple in which both people do little else but sit around with each other and talk, and watch how fast the relationship blows itself apart. Every relationship has to have a balance between looking inward and looking outward. Most women who complain that their men don't pay enough attention to "the relationship" aren't seeing the relationship clearly and/or are buried in "the relationship" up to their necks and so are creating more problems than they solve.

Translation: See the previous translation. 

MYTH: When she says no, she means no (so why am I so confused)?

TRUTH: Nobody means no every time they say "no." Think about it: do you? You've never said no when you were too shy to say yes? You've never said no because you were nervous, didn't know what you were getting into, and didn't really have time to think about your answer? You've never said no because you thought that was the right thing to do even though you really wanted to say yes? You've never said no and then changed your mind? You've never said no as a joke, just to get a rise out of someone, when you really meant yes? I've done all of these things at one time or another; most men I know have, and most women I know have as well. However, for men there's a catch. If she's prone to saying no when she really means yes, then you should dump her. Immediately. Especially if she's told you in no uncertain terms "no" and then starts dropping huge hints that you're supposed to ignore this and go for it anyway. Dump the bitch. This is just far too dangerous.

Translation: When a woman says "No", she usually means "no", but most of the time, men just aren't paying attention to what happened before she said it.  I've heard it so many times, that I've learned not to ask "yes or no" questions when I'm around women.  But even so, they still manage to slip it in somehow… 

MYTH: Women are social geniuses; all women get along well with each other, while men just fight

TRUTH: I lived in a mixed-sex dorm for two years in university where each floor was segregated by sex. It alternated: one floor men, one floor women, one floor men, etc. A few nearby residences were completely mixed. A couple of the men's floors looked much the worse for wear at the end of the year. You know, men are so destructive. The women's floors all looked perfect. All the girls were smiling and friendly. Talk to any of them, however, and they'd tell you that they hated living on an all-female floor, and every last damned one of them was moving to the mixed dorms the very next year, and not with each other. According to them, underneath the tidy rooms and smiles were claws and forked tongues. Every day was a quiet, mannerly, pitched social battle.

The men, on the other hand, got along just fine with only a few exceptions. Most of us were quite happy where we were, the only complaint being that we didn't see the ladies enough. One thing that is true along the lines of this myth is that any woman will defend another woman against a man, even a woman that she doesn't know. Start bad-mouthing women, even a particular woman that isn't known to "present company," and you'll find women defending her even though they have no idea what's going on. If anyone—a woman or another man—verbally attacks a man, other men will not jump in and defend him. Why? Men assume that other men can look after themselves and, after all, they're competition. Women assume that an attack on one woman is an attack on all women.

Translation: Women created the whole dating game and all that comes with it, so of course they are "social geniuses".  Who has the energy to be bothered with all of the constantly changing rules and "etiquette", anyway?  Men prefer to reserve their brainpower for things like making our way home when we're piss drunk, keeping track of sports scores, and remembering not to call the girl you're dating by the wrong name. 

BITTER MYTH: Women are all the same.

TRUTH: Women are not all the same, and in particular women change with age. A woman who wouldn't give you a second look at 15 may be asking you out at 35. In part this is the dreaded "biological clock" at work, but in part it's also changing priorities.

    • At 15 she wants to impress all of her friends with her "catch" and she is starting to learn to control men. She wants variety and excitement.
    • At 25 she wants to have fun with no strings attached and wants to hone her controlling skills. She wants more stability but she doesn't want Ward Cleaver or Bill Gates.
    • At 35 she realizes that the fun days are over and it's time to settle down and get serious.

Boring, nerdy guys who were dog meat at 15 can be studs at 35. The guys grow up and mature, they learn to need women less, and they settle into a life of resigned solitude, which means that they cheer up because they're no longer striving for something they can't have. The field narrows, and there are fewer single guys with no divorce history.

Finally, her priorities have changed. She's no longer impressed by "bad boys" on motorcycles with a few convictions for petty crime. She knows that her friends aren't impressed by flashy, fast-living rogues any longer, any more than they're still impressed by fashions from Suzy Creamcheese. She's more interested in building a nest than impressing her friends anyway (and she knows that building a nest is what will impress them). So, just because you can't get anywhere now doesn't mean that your whole life will be a write-off. Take a clue from me: I never had a single date in high school. I had one girlfriend for a year in University. Ten years later I was beating women off with a stick.

Translation: Like I said at the beginning of this lengthy diatribe, don't bother trying to make it with young chicks, because if you're not Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington, they won't give you the time of day… the way to make yourself look like a stud is to join a group that has a bunch of women who are dying to get married, like, yesterday.  As long as you have a job, you're at least average looking, and you're in your 30s, you'll be considered a major catch. And if that doesn't work, you'll have to focus on older chicks whose husbands haven't discovered Viagra yet…


8 Responses to Fun with Craigslist: Women vs. Men Edition

  1. *RPM* says:

    Ok, so I read this and I laughed at a lot of it…but some of it sounds extremely dark. Are you venting a frustration about young women? Or are you just taking a huge poo on women in general?

  2. dParker2.0 says:

    My intention was to “take a huge poo” on the guy who wrote the piece. Even though I found his generalizations to be completely ridiculous, I found a good amount of humor in them, too.

    It’s plainly obvious why this guy never had any luck with women… he’s a jerk!

  3. cath says:

    What a diddy! Honestly – talk about women living by the rules? He’s a real rules man. Women think this, do that because, etc etc. What about just having a connection with a man cos you fancy him? What about just wanting some affection and male company in your life? Nothing wrong with that! What about wanting some love and a spring in your step on a monday morning? Is that too much to ask?

    We women can’t aford to go out with jerks and spongers because we come down harder and so that’s why sometimes we appear controllling. Its just self preservation. And if men today had better manners things would be much more civilised in the world of dating.

  4. rupert says:

    i disaggree, his lack of luck is rediculously aparent, however most of these theories or geralizations fit into every girl i have ever met, bedded and or dated. now i must confess what could i possibly know through my 22 years of experience, but dont you think its a little counter-productive to blast the guy because you disagree with him??
    anyway the dating game is one-sided whether you admit it or not, and thats due to one reason mis-communication on both ends, males are too emotionally indecisive and women dont say what they mean.
    and if your thinking, ignore this one hes just another bitter jerk, forget that, i hate no one and im pretty lucky in that area, i just think you, you being the public who decided to voice their oppinions, were to critical. no one said that this was fact or that he was an expert, and in turn you looked more rediculous than he did.

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  6. Samuel L. says:

    This topic is quite trendy in the net right now. What do you pay the most attention to while choosing what to write about?

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