Fun with Craigslist: Tyra Banks Edition

September 10, 2006

Craigslist

 [Via Oh No They Didn’t]

ARE YOU A ‘PART TIME’ LESBIAN?
Are you or someone you know a part-time lesbian?
Do you hook up with girls only when you are partying?
Do you want to have your first lesbian experience?
Did you experiment with girls for a while but now you’re back to strictly dating guys?
Does your boyfriend/husband love or hate the fact that you hook up with girls sometimes?
Are you a lesbian who hates the idea of a ‘part time’ lesbian?
IF you or any of your friends want to weigh in on this topic the Tyra Banks talk show is looking for some strong opinionated/outgoing females…please send you name, age, brief story, recent photo, and your contact info

Translation:

Are you a female who’s on the “down low” (meaning, are you a woman who presents herself as a heterosexual, but who occasionally dabbles with other women in bed)?

Do you know a “down low” chick, and want to “out” her on national TV?

Are you a straight woman who typically finds herself necking with other women when you get drunk (e.g., Michelle Rodriguez)?

Do you secretly want to have sex with other women, but are afraid to?

Did you have your obligatory “lesbian semester” in college, but are now back to a “guys only” shagging policy?

Does your male partner love/hate the fact that you have sex with other women from time to time?  Does he only like it when you are willing to have sex with another woman in his presence?  Does he limit your “lesbian experimentation” experiences to femme/feminine women?

Are you a real lesbian who is tired of dealing with “down low” chicks?

If you or any of your friends want to weigh in on this topic, The Tyra Banks Talk Show is looking for some opinionated, boisterous, and outspoken women to discuss the topic on the show.  If you are interested, please send your name, age, brief bio (with at least one titillating/salacious anecdotal story to share with the audience), recent photo (so that our producers can accurately determine if you are feminine/fabulous enough to be seen on television; you might get the chance to strut down Tyra’s runway if you possess a decent amount of fabulosity), and your contact info (because recycling is a good thing, if you have the right look, you might get a chance to try out for the next season of America’s Next Top Model). 

We are hoping to narrow the focus of this particular installment of the show down to lesbians/part-time lesbians/”down low” females only; so if you are an openly bisexual woman, a transgendered female, a butch lesbian, or a man, you need not respond to this ad.  We are trying to keep the show on the classy side (yes, we know Tyra’s no Oprah, but she’s not Jenny Jones, either); for our casting purposes, former Jerry Springer Show guests will be avoided.

Compensation: To Be Determined (You might be presented with a gift bag of free cosmetics and hair care products that were left over from America’s Next Top Model, if this episode of the Tyra Banks Show actually airs).

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Random Ruminations

September 10, 2006

 Milla Jovovich 

  • Milla Jovovich uses her acting gigs to bankroll her fashion ventures.  [LA Times
  • A few random, little known facts about celebrities.  [ONTD]
  • Mike Tyson is still providing the public with a freakshow, only this time, he’s getting paid for it.  [ONTD]
  • Some people will do anything for publicity… while others are probably praying right now to win back their anonymity.  [London Times, Metafilter (NSFW)]
  • Scarlett Johansson wants to act in a horror film, because she’s got a lot of practice with feeling scared whenever she sees Josh Hartnett in a darkened room.  [Contact Music]
  • Sex blogs are the new black.  [UK Observer]
  • After Ellen chronicles the disappearance of the tomboy on TV.  [After Ellen]

Fun with Craigslist: Women vs. Men Edition

May 22, 2006

Craigslist  Some tips on dating and dealing with women, from the poor man's John Gray: 

Some rants and accumulated experience about women. Men in happy marriages or stable relationships don't need to read this; neither do men who get laid every week (or even every month). The "truth" I'm putting out here is for all of those men who, like me, worship women and can't figure out why they keep getting screwed over and dumped. The myths are things that I used to believe before I wised up.

Translation: I was compelled to document my thoughts on this topic because I've gone through most of my life being unlucky in love, and I personally think that the dating game is a scam.  I did all the things that I was supposed to do, I even read a bunch of books, took advice from friends, went on blind dates, etc., etc., but none of that crap ever really worked for me.  Now that I'm older, I realize now that it's easier to bag chicks because a lot of the ones who are 35-ish are so desperate to get married, that they'll even date guys like me.

MYTH: Women want love and affection. Women want to be treated well. If you treat a woman well, she'll treat you well.

TRUTH: Young women want whatever other young women want. They're herd creatures. If you lavish a woman with love and affection she'll think you're doing it because nobody else wants you (which may be true) and she'll dump you. In fact, if you do anything that betrays that you're a loser that other women won't touch, she'll dump you. Why? Because she wants to impress her friends with what a great catch she's made, and if she thinks that they wouldn't want you, then she doesn't want you either.

There are only three exceptions to this rule.  

  •  
    • Psychos (also known as witches/bitches/crazy ladies): they'll stay with you because nobody else wants them, or you're the only one who'll put up with their abuse
    • Women who like to "fix men up": they like to take "broken men and turn them into the man they want
    • The one you marry: the woman who isn't a psycho, still wants to stay with you when she finds out you're not a super stud, and doesn't want to change you into someone else 

Translation: I have no luck getting hot young chicks, so I gave up trying to date them, and I moved on to the older women who don't care about who they date, because they're not as picky. Read the rest of this entry »


Rent-Free Living, for a Price

April 5, 2006

Craigslist 

Apparently, there are a lot of people out there who believe that they can rent their rooms/property much easier by giving the "sex discount".  Instead of asking for the full monetary value of the rental unit, these people are willing to advertise their offers of one of the few types of discounts which would benefit both parties.  But are people responding?

On the widely used Web site Craigslist.org, some landlords and apartment dwellers looking for roommates are offering to accept sex in lieu of rent.

"They have to be attractive. I don't let just anybody come into my house," said Mike, a man who answered the phone at the New York City listing but declined to give his last name — and refused to say whether he has, in fact, collected the rent under the sheets.

That sentiment tends to work both ways; most people aren't willing to shack up with "just anybody", either.

The offering of shelter for sex is older than, well, real estate itself…

It is unclear how much success people have had with their rent-for-sex ads.

It seems as though most people who are using this "marketing strategy" are simply viewing their available real estate as a way to get easy access to regular sex.  It's cheaper than using an escort service, and you might even get a few other perks from it, such as a new "personal assistant".

One man said he became friends with a bisexual man who answered his ad but did not end up taking the room. The same user said a man visiting from Russia answered his ad and they shared dinner and a bottle of wine, but that was it.

"This is only a silly sideline adventure of mine," the man, who would not give his name, wrote in an e-mail. "I feel a little embarrassed about it."

Obviously, if this tactic really is paying off, we may not ever know, because most people would be too embarrassed to admit that they are getting the "sex discount" on their rent.

"Online: Rooms in Exchange for Sex"  [SFGate]

Related Link:

"Fun with Craigslist: Roommates Edition" 


Fun with Craigslist: Damon Wayans Edition

March 16, 2006

Craigslist

[Link via Defamer]

A new sketch comedy show for Showtime called "D. Underground" is looking for a few women who would be open to nudity in a sketch that will be shot in the month of March.  The sketch requires getting a direct shot of a womans's vagina.  To be specific, the role would have a woman walk onto a stage and sit on a stool with her legs open.  Her face would not be shown, the camera would only show from the waist down.  THIS IS NOT PORN.  THERE WOULD BE NO TOUCHING OF ANY KIND.  […]

We are looking for women of all ages (over 18) and ethnicities.  We will be casting three women between the ages of 18 to 30 and one woman over 50.  Because the shot would be from the waist down, we don't need a photo of your face, but we do need to see a photo of your vagina.  To be considered for this role please email a tasteful photo of your vagina with a contact phone number.

Translation:

A new sketch comedy for Showtime called "D. Underground" (the "D" is for Damon, as in Damon Wayans) is looking for a few women who would be opening their legs in order to provide the nudity in a sketch that will be shot in the month of March.  Since other ventures we have been working on have stalled at present, we are hoping that this new show will prove to be even more groundbreaking than any of our previous projects.  The sketch requires getting a direct shot of a woman's vagina*.  Yes, like Sharon Stone's famous scene in Basic Instinct, only closer**.

To be specific, the role would have a woman walk onto a stage and sit on a stool with her legs open.  Easy enough, right?  Many women do this natrually anyway (Paris Hilton comes to mind).  Just imagine doing it without underwear, like Lil' Kim.  Her face would not be shown (because that's never not important), the cameras would only show her from the waist down (because that's always all that matters). 

THIS IS NOT PORN***.

Showtime would only let us go so far with this, because they've already been getting enough flack for the wild storylines/sex scenes on The L Word. 

THERE WOULD BE NO TOUCHING OF ANY KIND.

At least, none that would be included in the final edits of the show.  We are looking for women of a range of ages and ethnicities.  You must be over 18, because we don't want this show to be shelved before the pilot episode even airs.  We are barely getting away with this as it is; the network wasn't really paying attention when we pitched this idea for a sketch, so we need to wrap things up as quickly as possible…

We will be casting 3 women between the ages of 18 and 30, and one woman over 50.  So, if you are 31-49, you need not reply to this posting.  Most women between 31 and 49 tend to be focused on starting/raising a family.  Many married, family-focused women tend to put less care and attention into their bodies in general, so you can imagine what their vaginas would look like.  Since they have already snagged their man, many feel that they can "let go" of everything else. 

We need to be able to clearly tell that your vagina is indeed a vagina, so only those in good condition need apply.  "Au naturale" vaginas are not wanted, as this may cause some confusion.  We will make allowances for some surgical enhancements, but only light touch ups (no gender-reassigned vaginas will be accepted).  Because the shot would be from the waist down, we don't need a photo of your face, but we do need to see a photo of your vagina.  Trimmed, landing strip, bikini wax, or Brazilian wax are all welcomed to respond; if a specific look/style of grooming is desired, it will be determined at the time of the shooting.  And of course, if you are chosen, we would need to verify that your vagina matches the one in the submitted photo. 

To be considered for this role, please email a tasteful photo of your vagina with a contact phone number, so that we can promptly conact you after we have weeded out all of the unacceptable bushes.

*Apparently, whoever wrote this ad doesn't realize that what is being described here is actually called a vulva.

**It would actually be pretty challenging to get a good picture of the vagina without the help of a gynecologist.

***If they really do want to shoot a woman's vagina, then I think this would be labeled as porn.


More Fun with Craigslist

September 26, 2005

Craigslist 

[Link via Gawker]

Looking for well connected businessmen to help with getting out katrina wristbands.  This is VERY important as we look to reach our goal of getting 40 million Americans wearing them.  Also will help Habitat for Humanity.  Let us know how to contact you (phone number) and how many you can get out. 

WE REALLY WANT LARGE CORPORATE CONTACTS THAT CAN COME IN AS SPONSORS ETC.  ALSO THIS IS NOT A SCAM SO IF YOU THINK IT IS DONT BOTHER TO EMAIL ME WE ARE ONLY INTERESTED IN PEOPLE SERIOUSLY INTERESTED IN HELPING US REACH THE GOAL. 

I also love giving bj's to businessmen but this is separate from the above.  If you are only interested in the BJ please do not respond.

Translation:

Looking for well-connected, high profile businessmen to help advertise/sell/distribute Katrina wristbands.  This is very important, as we have a high sales goal, and we are looking for someone important/powerful to help us reach our goal of selling to 40 million Americans.  This fundraising drive will also benefit Habitat for Humanity.  Let us know how to contact you (phone number is preferred for future blackmail purposes), and let us know how many wristbands you can move/sell.

We really want high profile contacts from large businesses and powerful corporations to agree to sponsor our mission.  THIS IS NOT A SCAM, so if you think it is, do not bother to email me.  I am too busy working to benefit a worthy cause (and possibly make a little money under the table for myself) to waste time sifting through junk emails…

BTW, I also love giving blow jobs to businessmen, just as a "personal hobby", but this is separate from the above.  If you are only interested in the bj, please do not respond [in your response to this posting], as blow jobs would be an extra service offered for profit only, and therefore, would not be tax deductible.

I AM: a guy in my mid/late 20s, too busy, and frankly, too broken-hearted to chase ladies right now.  That creates a problem as my 'crowd' will not cut me any slack.  Worst of all, my parents have started thinking I might be gay. 

YOU ARE: a good-looking woman in her twenties.  Willing to have dinner with my parents once, at most twice, a month and show up at my friends' parties about once a week.  These 'duties' apart, we treat each other as normal flatmates.  No sex, no walking around in panties or any of that.  I can afford world-class female companions for these purposes, if I actually wanted to.

YOU GET: a private room in a 2 BR apt in soho.  I own the place and, my bedroom apart, we share everything else (living room, eat-in kitchen).

PRICE: 500.  Market price would be around 1500 or more, i.e. you get a 1000 dollar discount for about half a dozen outings with me per month.  Ideally for several months (6, whatever) just so I get the 'must have girlfriend' pressure off my shoulders for a bit.  Can be longer if we get along very well.  Please attach a picture.

Translation:

I AM: a guy in my mid/late 20s, too scared to come out of the closet.  My friends have become wary of my imaginary girlfriend ruse, and my parents are getting suspicious, so I really need to find a live-breathing chick to show off to everyone. 

YOU ARE: a good looking woman in her twenties.  Willing to have dinner with my overbearing parents every other weekend, and show up for my friends' parties.  These "duties" apart, we will treat each other as normal [platonic] flatmates.  No sex, no walking around in panties or any of that (I have a weak stomach, and I highly appreciate personal space and humility).  I can afford a high-priced call-girl, if I really wanted to look at some scantily clad tramp walking around my place, but Im just not into that. 

YOU GET: a private room in a 2 BR apt in Soho.  I own the place, and my bedroom apart (it's completely off-limits to anyone of the female gender), we share everything else (living room, eat-in kitchen), provided you remain fully dressed at all times. 

PRICE: $500.  Market price would be around $1500 or more, but you get a $1000 discount for pretending to be my girlfriend, and covering my tracks while I continue to date guys undercover.  Ideally, for several months (6, whatever), jus so I get my friends and my parents off my back.  If you're not too annoying, we can do it longer. 

Please submit a picture.  I'll have to consult with people who would know if you're attractive enough to be considered "my girl".


Fun with Craigslist: Roommates Edition

July 7, 2005

Craigslist 

[Link via Defamer]

Share a home with professional male sincere person in a very nice area in the hills in west San Fernando valley.  All housing expenses paid plus some care expense.  You sincere responsible clean Female 21 to 35 yrs o assist me out part time in shopping, run errands, computer help, hot tub company, enjoy a cock tail and be a good company.  Please email a not about you, your living situation and photo.  No pets, drugs or full time workers.  Serious inquiry only.

Translation:

I have a big house that I live in (all alone), located in West San Fernando Valley.  I am a male in desperate need of companionship, and since my ads on other areas of this site haven't solicited the responses that I'm looking for, I decided to try this one.  I'm willing to pay for all expenses, and you can even use my car sometimes, if you're willing to chauffeur me around from time to time. 

I'm looking for a sincere, responsible, clean Femaile (21 to 35 years of age) to basically be my concubine.  I'll need you to assist me (part time chores/part time sex) in shopping, running errands, and computer help.  I'll also expect you to play around with me a little in my hot tub, enjoy a "cock tail" with me from time to time (my cock in your tail, along with a few cocktails), and I'll expect you to listen to me talk whenever I feel like talking to someone. 

Please email a note about you, your living situation, and a photo.  No pets, drugs, or full time workers.  I'm only looking for someone with time to give me their undivided attention whenever I request it.  If you're going to be my concubine, you can't be beholden to anyone else.  Serious inquiries only.

Hi, I'm seeking a dancer or escort that is welcome to share my house & my bedroom.  My ex was in the business, but after we parted ways she moved out.  My place is perfect for an independent woman on the go, that doesn't spend too much time at home or works late hours.  I'm a night person myself.  $160/week.  This includes rent, utilities, sharing my room, free wi-fi internet, phone local & long distance, running errands, cooking, dry cleaners, etc… 

I'm in Los Angelesclose to everything in a safe neighborhood.  If you want to talk more about it, call me.  I just turned 29, male, cute, Latino (I love to speak Spanish!!!).  I'm not the jealous type, and I love good music.  I also know of many ways to make money and usually have candy. 

Manuel

Translation:

I'm seeking a dancer/stripper/escort/or garden variety skank to share my house and bedroom.  My ex was in the life the business, but after we broke up, she moved out.  My place is perfect for an independent woman on the go (i.e. a stripper, streetwalker… if you work late, this is the perfect opportunity for you).  I'm a night person myself, so when you come home from the club/corner, I'll most likely be waiting up for you.

$160/week, includes rent, utilities, sharing my room (and my bed, and if you're acrobatic, well, that would be an added bonus!).  Also, free wi-fi Internet, and phone service, and a few other perks…  I'm in LA, close to everything, and in a safe neighborhood (well, I'm probably the closest thing to a pervert that you'll find in this neighborhood, if you catch my drift). 

If you want to talk more about it, just call me.  I just turned 29 (but I still act like I'm 17), male, cute, Latino (I love to speak Spanish; I need to stay in practice anyway, before I forget everything I learned in high school).  I'm not the jealous type (so, if you want to bring your johns home with you sometimes, it's okay with me, as long as I get to watch, or join in on the fun), and I love good music.  I also know of many ways to make money (I've been around the block, so I'm hip to quite a few cons/small time business schemes), and I ususally have candy (that's the way that I currently make my living, selling candy at busy intersections around town).  Manuel

1bdrm large apt to share for the right girl/quasi-girl.  I am a 29 year old male spiritual shaman/real estate insurance sales manager and I am leasing an expesive car and as such and I feel I am entitled to female enslavement.  Minutes from the beach, serious inquiries only.

Translation:

1 Bdrm large apt to share for the right girl/tranny girl.  I am a 29 year old male con artist/real estate loan shark…  I am a true asshole who feels the need to dominate women/quasi-women, and I long to indulge my ultimate fantasy of female enslavement. 

Unfortunately, the rates on the white-slavery market are too steep for me at this point in time, so I have to rely on Craigslist to fulfill my needs.  I live minutes from the beach, so the possibilities for S&M games and kinky intrigue are endless; serious inquiries only.