New Millennium Etiquette: Your Guide to Delicately Handling One Night Stands and Other Previously Unmentionable Things

October 2, 2006

Debrett's Peerage and Baronetage 

Thought that etiquette was all about which fork to use first, or how to write a thank-you note for a gift?  Think again.  Debrett’s Peerage and Baronetage, which began as an etiquette guide to royals and landed gentry of Britain, is now publishing an updated breezer course for the masses:

“It’s a nod to the modern day,” she told Reuters.  “We’re pulling Debrett’s out of Victorian times and trying to make it relevant to today.”  The book’s advice ranges from how to conduct a sleaze-free office fling or a disease-free one night stand, to how to smoke at social occasions and what to do when you meet a celebrity.

“Avoid dark-alley gropery and unladylike fumbling in the back of a cab,” the guide says on the subject of one night stands.  “Discuss the necessaries to avoid planting any love children or disease, and you’re away.”

Obviously, this update is an attempt to prevent normally sensible young women (rich or even not-so-rich) from emulating people like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Kate Moss.  They could save some time and probably make more money by releasing a series of easy to read flash cards with tips for the modern social climber:

  • Leave things to the imagination; keep your naughty bits covered.  There are certain things that only your lover, your doctor, and paid subscribers to your website should see.  Oh, you don’t have a website?  Then keep your clothes on!
  • Money does not guarantee class, nor do family relationships.  Rich people have done trashy things since time began, but in the past, they did not have the paparazzi stalking them to take photos of the time when they were caught picking their noses while walking down the street.
  • Dating in the celebrity world takes on a whole different meaning than regular dating. Learn to distinguish the two!  Regular dating entails getting to know another person by socializing with them over the course of several weeks or months.  Celebrity dating, on the other hand, is a more accelerated process: weeks of small talk and innuendo are typically pared down to a 5 minute introduction, a drink and drug fueled sex session, and a mad dash to escape lurking photographers outside the hotel the morning after.
  • Never do anything that you wouldn’t want your parents to know about.  The only well-kept secrets are those that haven’t been told because your co-conspirator or confidant has yet to receive an enticing monetary offer.
  • Telling your private business to people on a cellphone or other mobile device is like displaying your innermost secrets on a public billboard.   That girl whose boyfriend you were flirting with in the club just might be acquainted with a crafty hacker or two…  If you don’t want half the population of your city to know what you did last night, then keep it to yourself.

“Etiquette Guide Offers Sleaze Tips for Posh Girls”  [Reuters]


Loose Ends

October 1, 2006

Clive Owen 

  • Clive Owen admits that he has had plastic surgery, but cleverly leaves it up to us to guess which areas of his body and how much he has had done.  [Contact Music]
  • Kathy Griffin tries to reinvent the whole concept of being a fag hag.  [BWE]
  • Gwyneth Paltrow tries to increase her miniscule coolness quotient and Beyonce tries to make us forget that she is little more than a dressed up country bumpkin.  [A Socialite’s Life]
  • Speaking of Beyonce, she and mother, Tina Knowles must rehearse their lines for hours before they leave the house, because answering basic questions about your fashion line is so complicated.  [Concrete Loop]
  • Maybe I’m just jaded, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Starbucks had actually hired a guy to say that he’s determined to buy a drink from every Starbucks store on the planet.  [BoingBoing]
  • No one seems to believe that Sienna Miller is talented at anything more complex than opening her legs.  [Pen15 Club]
  • Pink encourages more gay people to come out of the closet, so that things will be easier for her when she finally decides to come out.  [Female First]

Sunday Sundries

October 1, 2006

Rachael Ray 

  • Rachael Ray is apparently trying to help her friends become famous the way she did: by putting an American spin on Nigella Lawson’s cooking show gimmicks.  [Radar
  • Hollywood is desperate to capture the attention of the disaffected masses, so the newest tactic that filmmakers have devised is to have film premieres in Po Dunk, USA, even if the film in question was made on a studio lot in LA.  [NYT]
  • Interview with Jack Nicholson.  [London Times]
  • The Guardian and The Independent discuss black British films.  [UK Guardian, Independent]
  • It seems that everyone makes money from independent films except the directors.  [NYT]
  • Profile of Jeremy Irons.  [Independent]
  • Interview with Kirsten Dunst.  [London Times]
  • Is Apple about to suffer from overexposure?  [PopMatters]
  • On Flavor Flav’s new millennium minstrel show.  [NYT]

Sour Notes

September 30, 2006

Jessica Simpson 

  • Jessica Simpson is learning that big breasts and blonde hair will only get you so far, if you don’t have Nick Lachey there to do the thinking for you.  [The Bosh]
  • Coldplay is reportedly planning to retire take a 5 year hiatus.  [Contact Music]
  • Damien Rice is working on a new album.  [Billboard]
  • Britney Spears has actually had a professional publicist all this time?  Who knew someone was getting paid to allow her to make a fool of herself for more than two years?  [Radar]
  • Bow Wow shows all the wack rappers how to get their gangsta on by duetting with Chris Brown.  [Cake and Ice Cream]
  • Moby complaining about email and the Internet is like a fish complaining about how wet water is.  [Gawker]
  • Ice Cube’s lawyers work hard to make sure that their client will never miss any unpaid royalties.  [Idolator]
  • Teens have forgotten about MTV because they are too busy surfing YouTube.  [UK Telegraph]
  • Eve is working on a new album.  [Billboard]

News and Nonsense

September 30, 2006

CZJ 

  • T-Mobile has decided to stop paying Catherine Zeta-Jones millions of dollars to annoy millions of people on tv.  [London Times] 
  • Film piracy reportedly cost the US economy $20 billion a year, while the war in
    Iraq, government overspending, and corporate tax breaks barely made a dent.  [BBC]  
  • Tony Parker finally realized that dating Eva Longoria was ruining his future love life; by the time she finished telling all of his private business to the press, no other women would want to date him. [A Socialite’s Life] 

  • After firing Star Jones, demoting Elizabeth Vargas, and downsizing Bob Woodruff, we shouldn’t be surprised that ABC has started firing people from the staff of Good Morning America.  [Jossip]  

  • Janice Dickinson states the obvious about the fashion industry in her new book.  [Contact Music]  

  • Vanity Fair was so impressed with Jessica Coen’s skills at trashing their publication that they hired her to write for them.  [Gawker

  • Girlfriends has officially jumped the shark.  [LA Times


Fun with Craigslist: Tyra Banks Edition

September 10, 2006

Craigslist

 [Via Oh No They Didn’t]

ARE YOU A ‘PART TIME’ LESBIAN?
Are you or someone you know a part-time lesbian?
Do you hook up with girls only when you are partying?
Do you want to have your first lesbian experience?
Did you experiment with girls for a while but now you’re back to strictly dating guys?
Does your boyfriend/husband love or hate the fact that you hook up with girls sometimes?
Are you a lesbian who hates the idea of a ‘part time’ lesbian?
IF you or any of your friends want to weigh in on this topic the Tyra Banks talk show is looking for some strong opinionated/outgoing females…please send you name, age, brief story, recent photo, and your contact info

Translation:

Are you a female who’s on the “down low” (meaning, are you a woman who presents herself as a heterosexual, but who occasionally dabbles with other women in bed)?

Do you know a “down low” chick, and want to “out” her on national TV?

Are you a straight woman who typically finds herself necking with other women when you get drunk (e.g., Michelle Rodriguez)?

Do you secretly want to have sex with other women, but are afraid to?

Did you have your obligatory “lesbian semester” in college, but are now back to a “guys only” shagging policy?

Does your male partner love/hate the fact that you have sex with other women from time to time?  Does he only like it when you are willing to have sex with another woman in his presence?  Does he limit your “lesbian experimentation” experiences to femme/feminine women?

Are you a real lesbian who is tired of dealing with “down low” chicks?

If you or any of your friends want to weigh in on this topic, The Tyra Banks Talk Show is looking for some opinionated, boisterous, and outspoken women to discuss the topic on the show.  If you are interested, please send your name, age, brief bio (with at least one titillating/salacious anecdotal story to share with the audience), recent photo (so that our producers can accurately determine if you are feminine/fabulous enough to be seen on television; you might get the chance to strut down Tyra’s runway if you possess a decent amount of fabulosity), and your contact info (because recycling is a good thing, if you have the right look, you might get a chance to try out for the next season of America’s Next Top Model). 

We are hoping to narrow the focus of this particular installment of the show down to lesbians/part-time lesbians/”down low” females only; so if you are an openly bisexual woman, a transgendered female, a butch lesbian, or a man, you need not respond to this ad.  We are trying to keep the show on the classy side (yes, we know Tyra’s no Oprah, but she’s not Jenny Jones, either); for our casting purposes, former Jerry Springer Show guests will be avoided.

Compensation: To Be Determined (You might be presented with a gift bag of free cosmetics and hair care products that were left over from America’s Next Top Model, if this episode of the Tyra Banks Show actually airs).


Random Ruminations

September 10, 2006

 Milla Jovovich 

  • Milla Jovovich uses her acting gigs to bankroll her fashion ventures.  [LA Times
  • A few random, little known facts about celebrities.  [ONTD]
  • Mike Tyson is still providing the public with a freakshow, only this time, he’s getting paid for it.  [ONTD]
  • Some people will do anything for publicity… while others are probably praying right now to win back their anonymity.  [London Times, Metafilter (NSFW)]
  • Scarlett Johansson wants to act in a horror film, because she’s got a lot of practice with feeling scared whenever she sees Josh Hartnett in a darkened room.  [Contact Music]
  • Sex blogs are the new black.  [UK Observer]
  • After Ellen chronicles the disappearance of the tomboy on TV.  [After Ellen]